For those of us living with scoliosis, hiding is a big part of how many of us roll. We hide our physical selves with oversized clothing, strategically worn to cover up various humps and bumps and lopsided bits. I think about my somewhat restricted scoli-friendly wardrobe and all the things that my mind has told me are off limits.

‍

Tops with straps? No way, they are a dead giveaway, instantly showcasing uneven shoulders. Tight top. That’s not gonna fly with my rib hump. High waisted pants. Negative. Swimmers? Bikini, NO! One piece, yes, but still complicated.  And don’t get me started on anything backless.

‍

And then there are all the secret concealment strategies. Platform sneakers to make up for lost height (when you know, you know.). Wearing layers. Hair grown long and worn down to disguise crooked necks and asymmetry.

‍

At one time or another we’ve probably all hidden our scoliosis. Most likely to protect ourselves from unwanted questions or stares. From embarrassment or unsolicited advice, even to conceal the progression from ourselves. If I can’t see it, it’s not happening. If I can’t see it, then I don’t have to think about my future and fear the impacts of aging with scoliosis. If I can’t see it, then I don’t have to make agonisingly difficult decisions about whether to have surgery or not.

‍

Not too long ago, I would have changed this heading to read hiding FROM scoliosis. For year’s I was happily in denial about how my scoliosis would progress. In my 20’s and early 30’s I was way too busy living my life and building a career, blissfully unaware of Cobb angles. Maths was never my strong suit so it wasn’t in my nature to think about the numbers and how they would change alarmingly over time.

‍

I didn’t really give my scoliosis much thought until I became pregnant. Then the pain began. But dealing with it was too hard. Cue hiding, self-denial, secrecy. I have never really told too many people about the impacts of my scoliosis because it was easier to say nothing, hoping no-one would notice. I have stashed x-rays in dark places to avoid them being discovered! But while I was busy avoiding, I robbed myself of opportunities to connect with others.

‍

This is not a post about scoli-fashion but about the ways that hiding can take a toll on us emotionally. As a counsellor who prefers to work with the ACT Model (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) I now know that avoidance in its many forms, feels great in the moment, but isn’t sustainable. There is a cost to hiding that can be unseen initially – we feel good as we push away painful thoughts, fears, and stories, and avoid making decisions. We’re briefly relieved of having to deal with any discomfort. But if we’re constantly trying to push something out of our mind, if we fight with our painful thoughts about scoliosis or avoid our thoughts altogether we are, paradoxically, left with the very same thing that we’re trying to avoid. Painful and uncomfortable thoughts.

‍

So now I’m coming out of hiding as a counsellor and coach to help people living with scoliosis with practical, emotional support and goal setting strategies for living a rich and meaningful values-led life.

‍
PS. We’ve come a long way since I was diagnosed! Deformity was one of the first words you would see when typing the word scoliosis into Google. (it’s still there, just buried deeper). The term ‘back hump’ has been replaced with the more elegant word ‘prominence’. Braces have been refined. Now there are scoliosis body positive images everywhere on social media and it is a sight to behold seeing people have the courage to share their curves – small, medium, and large. There is an abundance of incredible physical therapists all around the world doing important work with Schroth and other modalities to help people live well with scoliosis.